Don’t be afraid of your friend called Depression

It has been a while. Trust me, I never stop thinking about writing a new article. But again, when there is too much to say, I do not know where to start. Then I stay quiet. That is a real issue of mine.

I have not gone anywhere far away for photo shooting since summer has begun. So instead I enjoy the view on my little balcony. It may sound a little bit desperate but believe me, that is the best state of mind. It is just the preparation phase of my annual depression coming afterward.

I understand that everyone’s life has some down moments due to different reasons such as work, health, or social relationships with surrounding people. Being depressed from time to time is part of human-being. “Life is full of ups and downs”.

Most of the time it begins with the feeling of dissatisfaction and very often comes after some incidents of which we lose control. If I am allowed, I would say "depressed” is the perfect opposite of “happy”.

I believe I am a joyful person in general. However, similar to everyone else I also suffer from sparse low keys of my life’s sonata. The funny thing is that I am aware of the moment it is coming. My melancholies are something that happens in a periodical way. I call it seasonal. Just like fruits and flowers.

All the blah-blah-blah above is only for the purpose of saying that I am currently in this year’s depths of the depression. Even though it never does take me by surprise, the feeling of not being able to do any minimal thing is truly unpleasant.

It has been more than a week that the region where I am living is experiencing terrible heat ways. This time a very severe one. I try to maintain the situation as an adult with workout, having ideas, working, and socialising. I however end up staying inside, laying from bed to couch then on the floor and rarely work as productively as I want. Moreover the routine schedule becomes a bit upside down, I have my “sloth mode” on during the day and become more lively when the sun goes down.

I am totally fine with seeing no one at all and leaving my place approximately 1.5 times a week for the groceries and only when needed. If I am lucky it has already been a third of my life passed through and this kind of habit still comes along. On the contrary, the older I get the more self-centred I become. Staying with things or persons which I appreciate as well as trimming off the excess are how I live my life in order to cope with  this tiresome period.

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Perhaps it was a cultural thing or it was just of my family, but thinking about others was the first thing I was taught. Me as a child would be considered well-raised if I knew how to think of others' feelings before thinking about myself.

Complaining about my struggles? That was out of the question to me. I think it was unhealthy but since I was little, I had felt like I did not deserve whining. On one hand my mother always said to me “Courage! Be strong! Ignore those who are not nice to you”. On the other hand, I myself have been believing that if I complain, it means that I accept to lose, and that I am half defeated. The little Mai in hard situations would bite her tongue and clench her teeth until it gets better.

“What should I want to become when I grow up mama?” I used to ask my mother that question when we were in her kiosk. My mother’s answer was always sort of “Study well. Get a good job. Have a better life”. My interpretation and also my version of answer for that question became simply “Live a happy life”.

I know that I am much luckier than many people. But it would be cliché to say that I am happy and satisfied with what I have now. If one comes to tell me “Cheer up! Be happy!” I will just remain silent. It is not necessary to open a book for someone who is not willing to read it.

There is one thing of which I am sure is that, as someone has said, “Life is full of ups and downs, without the downs, the ups would be meaningless”. For me, there are always different seasons within a year. And I do need courage. A big bit of courage.